I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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