Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
