I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
