and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
