So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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