I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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