Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.