Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
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The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
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But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype