I want to make a zoo with you.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed