It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.