dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
