So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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