he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
