Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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