I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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