god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
