I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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