Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
