Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
