Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dignity is for republicans.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
