My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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