Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
