I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
