Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
