I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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