Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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