How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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