She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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