I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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