i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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