If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
