saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Your cock deserves a montage
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
