My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
