i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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