I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
