There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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