i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
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