seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
