His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Mom said you looked used
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
