I cannot find my penis.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
