To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
