i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
