You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
