Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
