if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
