Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
