I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
