if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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