I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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