I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
