This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
