Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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