So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
