I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
