That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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