I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
