do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
