just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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