I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
