I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
